🌳 trahearne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pactmarshal) wrote2022-03-07 03:53 pm
pactmarshal) wrote2022-03-07 03:53 pm
Entry tags:
songerein inbox
IC Contact
letters / at-home visits
looking for the archives?
IC Contact
letters / at-home visits
looking for the archives?
[ Ori coming in for a hug shouldn't be unexpected, but it is. Maybe this sort of situation warrants one, he supposes. As he lifts his arms to return the favor, he realizes he's still holding the jar of treats. After carefully placing it on the counter behind him, he gently places his arms around her shoulders, making sure her head doesn't rest on the wound that yet heals. ]
I...have not. [ She has a fair point. Selfishly, he's always been content to let the dreams run their course, instead of trying to take control and talk to him. Even if he is just a manifestation of his mind.
His gaze drops, and a truth he may have been too scared to accept claws at his throat, stings the back of his eyes. ] I know logically I will never see him again, but perhaps in my heart, I've been holding out hope.
[ He was the first to give him hope against Zhaitan, wasn't he? It seems a fragment of that same hope has etched for itself a place in him that he will never be rid of. ]
Maybe a goodbye is what I need.
I...have not. [ She has a fair point. Selfishly, he's always been content to let the dreams run their course, instead of trying to take control and talk to him. Even if he is just a manifestation of his mind.
His gaze drops, and a truth he may have been too scared to accept claws at his throat, stings the back of his eyes. ] I know logically I will never see him again, but perhaps in my heart, I've been holding out hope.
[ He was the first to give him hope against Zhaitan, wasn't he? It seems a fragment of that same hope has etched for itself a place in him that he will never be rid of. ]
Maybe a goodbye is what I need.
[...
His observation, assessment, these things are astute. Like recognises like, she would think. She finds more comfort in the companionship of those who are like her, oft because they have no need to pry her for information. Eustace rarely asks questions regarding her feelings and she suspects it is largely because he already knows the answers. Saves her the trouble of tripping over herself to give an answer or dealing with the complexity of trying to find words for feelings she tends to squash down under heel.
But Trahearne is right. She is the sort to simply remove herself from a situation. She does not like support, would claim she does not want it, does not need it, can get by on her own just fine, when in truth, she has to acknowledge that some part of her has been incredibly lonely for over ten years and likely longer than that. She lives in a hell of her own making because she's never bothered to try breaking out of it. Misery may be a sad place to thrive in, if one wants to call it thriving at all, but if it's familiar, why explore something foreign.
"...once that connection is gone... it never comes back."
And he's right about that, too. So right, in fact, that she pauses for several long moments to consider what she might need to say to others. What she might need them to hear if she can grasp the courage to make such a thing happen. Just in case she should wake a day later and find them no longer in this world.
...Would she leave Dohalim with nothing? A hard frown crosses her features, but lasts only moments before she looks over to him.]
When you require assistance, you may always call on me, even if it does not seem I would offer such kindness. This is not charity. It is not pity or sympathy. For all that I may be ice and stone, I care about you, and the others, in my own way. I may not be able to voice it easily, but the things that are important to all of you, who you may wish to be, where you may wish to go, what you may wish to accomplish, these things are important to me in turn. I would desire the prosperity, the providence, and the joys that life has to offer for each of you.
His observation, assessment, these things are astute. Like recognises like, she would think. She finds more comfort in the companionship of those who are like her, oft because they have no need to pry her for information. Eustace rarely asks questions regarding her feelings and she suspects it is largely because he already knows the answers. Saves her the trouble of tripping over herself to give an answer or dealing with the complexity of trying to find words for feelings she tends to squash down under heel.
But Trahearne is right. She is the sort to simply remove herself from a situation. She does not like support, would claim she does not want it, does not need it, can get by on her own just fine, when in truth, she has to acknowledge that some part of her has been incredibly lonely for over ten years and likely longer than that. She lives in a hell of her own making because she's never bothered to try breaking out of it. Misery may be a sad place to thrive in, if one wants to call it thriving at all, but if it's familiar, why explore something foreign.
"...once that connection is gone... it never comes back."
And he's right about that, too. So right, in fact, that she pauses for several long moments to consider what she might need to say to others. What she might need them to hear if she can grasp the courage to make such a thing happen. Just in case she should wake a day later and find them no longer in this world.
...Would she leave Dohalim with nothing? A hard frown crosses her features, but lasts only moments before she looks over to him.]
When you require assistance, you may always call on me, even if it does not seem I would offer such kindness. This is not charity. It is not pity or sympathy. For all that I may be ice and stone, I care about you, and the others, in my own way. I may not be able to voice it easily, but the things that are important to all of you, who you may wish to be, where you may wish to go, what you may wish to accomplish, these things are important to me in turn. I would desire the prosperity, the providence, and the joys that life has to offer for each of you.
Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to make it up to me.
[ When he leaves the shop, coming back to her with their food and drinks, Aerith is sitting with her elbows on the table, feet swinging back and forth. It isn’t as if she couldn’t put the heavy soles of her boots onto the ground if she wanted, but it does stop as he unloads. Placing the basket between them catches her attention and she not so subtly looks from it to him, brows furrowing in what probably looks like a silly display. There’s only a moment of deliberation before she picks it up, and swaps seats with the basket so that they’re next to one another. Ahem. This isn’t an interview, Trahearne.
She doesn’t wait long to tuck in, though she steals a few glances to look at him, measuring his reaction before she speaks again. This isn’t the first time she’s had to close the gap between herself and someone else, but if he tries to move… ]
So, Trahearne.
[ Spoon in hand, she fusses with the broth, stirring it for a moment more… ]
Are you… actually alright?
[ When he leaves the shop, coming back to her with their food and drinks, Aerith is sitting with her elbows on the table, feet swinging back and forth. It isn’t as if she couldn’t put the heavy soles of her boots onto the ground if she wanted, but it does stop as he unloads. Placing the basket between them catches her attention and she not so subtly looks from it to him, brows furrowing in what probably looks like a silly display. There’s only a moment of deliberation before she picks it up, and swaps seats with the basket so that they’re next to one another. Ahem. This isn’t an interview, Trahearne.
She doesn’t wait long to tuck in, though she steals a few glances to look at him, measuring his reaction before she speaks again. This isn’t the first time she’s had to close the gap between herself and someone else, but if he tries to move… ]
So, Trahearne.
[ Spoon in hand, she fusses with the broth, stirring it for a moment more… ]
Are you… actually alright?
[ Ori has hugged many a recovering friend - or at least tried to - so when he returns her embrace, she remains mindful of his lingering injuries.
And again, her heart stings and twists at the familiarity of his pain. With Colin, at least, the longing is put to rest by the fact that her other self - the one that is awake - remains with him, living out their life together. And even Thoma - who she may never see again - is happy and healthy in Teyvat.
But Trahearne has not that luxury… He is forever sundered from his commander by death, so while she knows that feeling of longing… She will never know the finality that must weigh on his hopes and dreams.
Still, though… It’s not so wrong to keep hoping, isn’t it? ]
It doesn’t have to be a farewell… It can be a “see you later.”
[ She takes a deep breath and hesitates before she adds, ]
The night that Thoma disappeared… I dreamt of him. He said… that he looks forward to meeting us again. I don’t know if it was really him, or if I was just dreaming in my grief, but… I want to believe those words, regardless.
And I believe them of you and your commander, too. That you two will meet again, some way. But until then… I think it’s okay to say “until we meet again.”
And again, her heart stings and twists at the familiarity of his pain. With Colin, at least, the longing is put to rest by the fact that her other self - the one that is awake - remains with him, living out their life together. And even Thoma - who she may never see again - is happy and healthy in Teyvat.
But Trahearne has not that luxury… He is forever sundered from his commander by death, so while she knows that feeling of longing… She will never know the finality that must weigh on his hopes and dreams.
Still, though… It’s not so wrong to keep hoping, isn’t it? ]
It doesn’t have to be a farewell… It can be a “see you later.”
[ She takes a deep breath and hesitates before she adds, ]
The night that Thoma disappeared… I dreamt of him. He said… that he looks forward to meeting us again. I don’t know if it was really him, or if I was just dreaming in my grief, but… I want to believe those words, regardless.
And I believe them of you and your commander, too. That you two will meet again, some way. But until then… I think it’s okay to say “until we meet again.”
Edited (gently fixes typo ) 2022-10-06 12:38 (UTC)
[ In the long, quiet moments that follow, Trahearne finds his gaze wandering out the window on the opposite side of the room. There's a dull ache in his chest, and it's not from the wound. The sylvari, ever a believer in fate, thinks it's no coincidence that there are eight others who shared this experience, as there are eight firstborn remaining on Tyria. He prays they are there to support one another, to be the wise leaders they're meant to be. He prays that the other eight that were there in the cave will come to support one another in much the same way, and become bright spots in Reverein.
...But where does that leave him?
Alone again, he thinks.
When Beatrix speaks up, breaking him from his thoughts, he slowly turns to her, and surprise spreads across his countenance as she continues. To him, her moment of openness, her heartfelt extension of a hand comes so out of the blue that he's almost at a loss for words. He's always found her hard to read, and he suspects it's for the very reasons he mentioned not moments ago, so to hear this from her is...well. It's extremely touching. Almost beyond words.
He only studies her when she finishes, not quite sure what to say in turn. At last, an easy smile crosses his face, and he bows his head. ]
...Thank you, Beatrix. It truly heartens me to hear that. [ Has anyone ever said anything like that to him? That they want him to find his own joys in life, outside of his duties and his destiny? No one, not even his commander. He thinks, if he were the sort, he might burst into tears at the suggestion. But luckily, he isn't, and he remains composed. ] I could say the very same to you. Should you ever need me, if there is anything I can ever do for you in turn, never hesitate to call on me. I will be there.
...But where does that leave him?
Alone again, he thinks.
When Beatrix speaks up, breaking him from his thoughts, he slowly turns to her, and surprise spreads across his countenance as she continues. To him, her moment of openness, her heartfelt extension of a hand comes so out of the blue that he's almost at a loss for words. He's always found her hard to read, and he suspects it's for the very reasons he mentioned not moments ago, so to hear this from her is...well. It's extremely touching. Almost beyond words.
He only studies her when she finishes, not quite sure what to say in turn. At last, an easy smile crosses his face, and he bows his head. ]
...Thank you, Beatrix. It truly heartens me to hear that. [ Has anyone ever said anything like that to him? That they want him to find his own joys in life, outside of his duties and his destiny? No one, not even his commander. He thinks, if he were the sort, he might burst into tears at the suggestion. But luckily, he isn't, and he remains composed. ] I could say the very same to you. Should you ever need me, if there is anything I can ever do for you in turn, never hesitate to call on me. I will be there.
[She's not said any of this to get something in return. Initial instinct tells her she said it to reassure him, but maybe she's reassuring herself as well. That she isn't as heartless as she seems to think she is or has been. That she isn't all ice and stone and unwelcoming things.
Maybe... a part of her is afraid of the people here viewing her in such a way. When she realises she doesn't have an explanation for that and considers further that she is probably not ready to start diving into any of it, it may be for the best to simply let it go. Not to overthink it the way she seems to overthink everything else.
Clearing her throat, she shakes her head.]
Yes, well. I appreciate it. But this is becoming awkward.
[So instead—
Beatrix lifts the last remaining pieces of fruit she's been holding onto.]
Show me where I can put these and then I am going to get out of your hair.
[...Not that she would say he really has hair. Whatever. She's already said it. She's already embarrassed herself plenty on this day. What's one more stupid thing coming out of her mouth.]
Maybe... a part of her is afraid of the people here viewing her in such a way. When she realises she doesn't have an explanation for that and considers further that she is probably not ready to start diving into any of it, it may be for the best to simply let it go. Not to overthink it the way she seems to overthink everything else.
Clearing her throat, she shakes her head.]
Yes, well. I appreciate it. But this is becoming awkward.
[So instead—
Beatrix lifts the last remaining pieces of fruit she's been holding onto.]
Show me where I can put these and then I am going to get out of your hair.
[...Not that she would say he really has hair. Whatever. She's already said it. She's already embarrassed herself plenty on this day. What's one more stupid thing coming out of her mouth.]
[ The sudden movement out of the corner of his eye catches his attention, and Trahearne freezes mid-bite (does one call it a bite when the food in question is essentially liquid?). The spoon remains in his mouth and he watches, wide-eyed, as Aerith moves the basket of apples and quickly rearranges herself and settles in beside him. What follows is nothing like he's ever experienced before; he simply stares back into emerald, wondering why she ultimately decided to sit there and not where he could easily see her. The atmosphere isn't quite awkward, but he is...surprised. He'll leave it at that.
When she speaks, he finally swallows and sets his spoon down, turning his attention to his coffee cup instead. As he brings it to his lips, he pauses again when she asks him the question.
The temptation to say yes is very strong, but if this incident taught them anything, it was that it's best to be honest when it comes to these things. Especially since he sort of has a feeling that this is the true purpose of the visit, much like how Ori and Beatrix came to see him several days prior. He stares into the ripples of his drink, breathing in the sweet scent of cinnamon. ]
...I'm not entirely sure. [ He blinks, and for a second, he can see his own hazy reflection in the cup. He looks tired. ] I'm not sleeping well. I thought I was healing all right, but my staff sent me home once I arrived at the archives. [ Which is why he's on his route home so early.
A lopsided smile crosses his face as he looks up at her again. ] Though I suppose that's for the best, since it led me to you.
When she speaks, he finally swallows and sets his spoon down, turning his attention to his coffee cup instead. As he brings it to his lips, he pauses again when she asks him the question.
The temptation to say yes is very strong, but if this incident taught them anything, it was that it's best to be honest when it comes to these things. Especially since he sort of has a feeling that this is the true purpose of the visit, much like how Ori and Beatrix came to see him several days prior. He stares into the ripples of his drink, breathing in the sweet scent of cinnamon. ]
...I'm not entirely sure. [ He blinks, and for a second, he can see his own hazy reflection in the cup. He looks tired. ] I'm not sleeping well. I thought I was healing all right, but my staff sent me home once I arrived at the archives. [ Which is why he's on his route home so early.
A lopsided smile crosses his face as he looks up at her again. ] Though I suppose that's for the best, since it led me to you.
[ Trahearne stares into nothing, at a spot on the floor. Will they ever meet again? Could they ever meet in the Mists? Being human, his commander's spirit is destined for a different place upon death than where he presumes his would go--assuming he ever gets there, of course. Is there a chance he would ever summon his formal marshal back to the realm of the living for advice? Just to see him? Would he ever find out that he now lives in a realm of dreams and try to find his way to him?
At length, he sighs, dipping his head. The questions, the uncertainties are too numerous. He's a bit too tall for his head to make contact with hers, and so he focuses his concentration on a little bloom at the crown of her head. ]
All right.
[ His voice is low, as though admitting defeat. Ori is often right about these things, matters of sentimentality and the heart. It's something he's always sidestepped--he never needed to bother with these things in such a visceral manner before, and now his inexperience is catching up with him. ]
I will...try.
[ The desire to hold onto him, desperately hang onto hope and the instinct to rip his memory from his life and his heart entirely tug at each other inside of him. Saying see you later, maybe feels like a cheap compromise he will never be satisfied with, but maybe it's the healthiest option--the option that will serve him best. ]
Thank you, Ori.
[ Regardless, he takes her words to heart. He drops his arms, allowing her to go if she pleases, and he sighs. ]
I apologise for being cross with you earlier.
At length, he sighs, dipping his head. The questions, the uncertainties are too numerous. He's a bit too tall for his head to make contact with hers, and so he focuses his concentration on a little bloom at the crown of her head. ]
All right.
[ His voice is low, as though admitting defeat. Ori is often right about these things, matters of sentimentality and the heart. It's something he's always sidestepped--he never needed to bother with these things in such a visceral manner before, and now his inexperience is catching up with him. ]
I will...try.
[ The desire to hold onto him, desperately hang onto hope and the instinct to rip his memory from his life and his heart entirely tug at each other inside of him. Saying see you later, maybe feels like a cheap compromise he will never be satisfied with, but maybe it's the healthiest option--the option that will serve him best. ]
Thank you, Ori.
[ Regardless, he takes her words to heart. He drops his arms, allowing her to go if she pleases, and he sighs. ]
I apologise for being cross with you earlier.
[ The sentimentality of the moment passes when Beatrix clears her throat, and in a way, Trahearne is a little thankful for that. If this had continued any longer, he might have found himself wondering if he is really able to handle the intense, personal kindness the others have been showing him. He's realized that having to step back and evaluate his life here versus the one he had in Tyria is an experience he finds to be...uncomfortable.
But that doesn't happen. He smiles as she motions to the fruit, and he grabs a large wooden bowl in which he placed a few apples earlier and scoots it towards her. ]
The fruit should last me a while. I think you made the right choice.
[ He wants to thank her again, but he's probably said that enough by now. He makes no mention or reaction to mention of hair; he takes the metaphor in stride. ]
I hope the rest of your recovery goes smoothly and quickly.
But that doesn't happen. He smiles as she motions to the fruit, and he grabs a large wooden bowl in which he placed a few apples earlier and scoots it towards her. ]
The fruit should last me a while. I think you made the right choice.
[ He wants to thank her again, but he's probably said that enough by now. He makes no mention or reaction to mention of hair; he takes the metaphor in stride. ]
I hope the rest of your recovery goes smoothly and quickly.
[She smiles. Light. Subdued. Nigh inconspicuous. There all the same.
Her posture stiffens, or perhaps it's never really loosened to begin with, and Beatrix dips her chin in a wordless acknowledgement, inwardly pleased he's found favour with what she's picked out for him. He wishes her well and she finds that she reflects the very same feelings toward him.
Beatrix falls into habits of old, bending at the waist in a polite bow before she raises again.]
Likewise, Trahearne. If you have need of anything, you know how to reach me. I can see myself out.
Her posture stiffens, or perhaps it's never really loosened to begin with, and Beatrix dips her chin in a wordless acknowledgement, inwardly pleased he's found favour with what she's picked out for him. He wishes her well and she finds that she reflects the very same feelings toward him.
Beatrix falls into habits of old, bending at the waist in a polite bow before she raises again.]
Likewise, Trahearne. If you have need of anything, you know how to reach me. I can see myself out.
[ Much must be going through Trahearne’s mind in this moment, and she stays silent and still, affording him as long or as short of one as he needs to think about everything. The resignation that she hears in his voice breaks her heart, makes pain lance through her chest in empathy. She'll never know what it's like, but she knows loss and the insurmountable distance between this realm and a lost love.
Perhaps it's a coward's goodbye, to say until we meet again. But in light of everything that's happened as of late... She thinks that Trahearne deserves to have even a little bit of hope. It's not fair, otherwise. Just like it's not fair that her dear friend has only the finality of death awaiting him outside of this dream realm. So damn it, he of all people should be allowed to have hope. ]
You're welcome. And it's... It's alright. I understand now why you were so upset. I don't hold it against you.
Perhaps it's a coward's goodbye, to say until we meet again. But in light of everything that's happened as of late... She thinks that Trahearne deserves to have even a little bit of hope. It's not fair, otherwise. Just like it's not fair that her dear friend has only the finality of death awaiting him outside of this dream realm. So damn it, he of all people should be allowed to have hope. ]
You're welcome. And it's... It's alright. I understand now why you were so upset. I don't hold it against you.
[ Of course she wouldn't--Trahearne doubted she would, considering the sort of person she is. It doesn't make him feel any less bad about it, though. He looks down at her apologetically, hoping she doesn't take this as discouragement from ever talking about her significant other(s) in the future. He still likes hearing what she's been through, and what she has to say. ]
I'll try not to let it get to me anymore. [ He wouldn't want to snap at anyone else.
A thought occurs to him, and he twists around to grab the box of cookies that went untouched earlier. The tension in the air between them has soothed, no small part in thanks to Ori's empathy; as usual, Trahearne wonders if he could have handled that better.
As he extends the box to her, he opens his mouth to voice his offering, when a certain third party notices the gesture. Seisyll is rather upset that she came down here for treats and is not receiving any--she meows loudly before Trahearne can say anything.
The sylvari peers down at his cat for a moment, before his expression finally eases with a chuckle. ]
Ah. It's because I grabbed the treats earlier, isn't it?
[ He twists around the other direction to take the jar, and hands that to Ori instead. ]
Go on. I think she's taking a liking to you already.
I'll try not to let it get to me anymore. [ He wouldn't want to snap at anyone else.
A thought occurs to him, and he twists around to grab the box of cookies that went untouched earlier. The tension in the air between them has soothed, no small part in thanks to Ori's empathy; as usual, Trahearne wonders if he could have handled that better.
As he extends the box to her, he opens his mouth to voice his offering, when a certain third party notices the gesture. Seisyll is rather upset that she came down here for treats and is not receiving any--she meows loudly before Trahearne can say anything.
The sylvari peers down at his cat for a moment, before his expression finally eases with a chuckle. ]
Ah. It's because I grabbed the treats earlier, isn't it?
[ He twists around the other direction to take the jar, and hands that to Ori instead. ]
Go on. I think she's taking a liking to you already.
Say, Trahearne...
Do sylvari have birthdays? Do you celebrate them?
Do sylvari have birthdays? Do you celebrate them?
My own birthday marks the age of the sylvari itself, so I don't often celebrate mine. But I imagine my younger siblings might.
What brings this about?
What brings this about?
Oh... That's right.
It's been almost a year since I became a part of this dream realm... So my own birthday must have passed recently. I was just curious about how others think of birthdays.
It's been almost a year since I became a part of this dream realm... So my own birthday must have passed recently. I was just curious about how others think of birthdays.
So it would have! That's exciting, to have a birthday in a place like this. Will you be celebrating? I'd like to join you if you are.
I'm not sure...
I haven't celebrated my birthday in a long time.
I haven't celebrated my birthday in a long time.
No? Well, if you're ever inclined to treat this year any differently, let me know.
Where are you now, by the way?
Where are you now, by the way?
When Diluc's birthday happened we did something very quiet for it. But it was mostly Thoma's idea, and now he's not here, so I don't really know what to do...?
I'm out in the woods.
[ just Ori things. ]
I'm out in the woods.
[ just Ori things. ]
Ah, all right.
[ Well, there goes that idea. ]
I suppose inviting friends over and sharing a cake would be the most basic activity. And whatever else you'd like to do, I'd say you're free to add to it. It's up to you, really.
[ Well, there goes that idea. ]
I suppose inviting friends over and sharing a cake would be the most basic activity. And whatever else you'd like to do, I'd say you're free to add to it. It's up to you, really.
Are you at the Archives?
And that's true, but... I would hate to take up people's time with something like that?
And that's true, but... I would hate to take up people's time with something like that?
I am.
You're not taking up anyone's time, Ori. You have many friends here, and they all adore you - I'm certain they'd love to set aside time to celebrate with you. I would, at least.
You're not taking up anyone's time, Ori. You have many friends here, and they all adore you - I'm certain they'd love to set aside time to celebrate with you. I would, at least.
Would you like try some fruits I foraged in the forest? I can bring them to you.
Thank you, Trahearne. That's very sweet of you to say. I'll have to think about it. I definitely wouldn't want it to be a big party or anything like that, maybe just cake and tea like you said... Ah, it's too bad that Aerith has gone...
Thank you, Trahearne. That's very sweet of you to say. I'll have to think about it. I definitely wouldn't want it to be a big party or anything like that, maybe just cake and tea like you said... Ah, it's too bad that Aerith has gone...
Yes! I would like that. Take your time. I'll be here all day.
[ This will give him time to slip out and get something for her.
Nooo, Ori. He was having such a good day. And he's a little thankful she's not around to see him sigh like this. ]
Why bring her up? Were you hoping she would have helped arrange a party for you? There's nothing wrong with having a small get-together.
[ And added hastily, in smaller writing: ]
She would have thrown you an excellent party, though.
[ This will give him time to slip out and get something for her.
Nooo, Ori. He was having such a good day. And he's a little thankful she's not around to see him sigh like this. ]
Why bring her up? Were you hoping she would have helped arrange a party for you? There's nothing wrong with having a small get-together.
[ And added hastily, in smaller writing: ]
She would have thrown you an excellent party, though.
Ah, because when I thought of who to invite to a small get-together, I thought of our strange little adventuring party.
[ that is what she is calling the misery gang, apparently. ]
I was only just starting to get to know her. But you were friends with her, weren't you?
PS - I'm going to take the scenic route out of the Wildlands, so I'll be by in about an hour or so.
[ that is what she is calling the misery gang, apparently. ]
I was only just starting to get to know her. But you were friends with her, weren't you?
PS - I'm going to take the scenic route out of the Wildlands, so I'll be by in about an hour or so.
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