pactmarshal | songerein inbox

[ That pause only makes this whole thing even more awkward, and Trahearne immediately regrets saying it out loud. Almost immediately does he pick up on Ori's panic, and that only makes him panic a little bit in turn. He hangs his head and plasters his face in his hand.

He doesn't know what to say either!!! Otherwise he would have said more!!! ]

I--I've tried. I've tried all manner of things to get them out of my system, but no matter how I feel at the end of the day, it all comes back in dreams.

[ This has to be some kind of torture. He'd been so ready to let go not even two weeks ago, and now he was desperately wishing he could just forget about his commander entirely. Which isn't fair to either of them at all (and kind of cruel). ]

I'm sorry, Ori. If only I'd never shown you that dreamscape in Oz, or been so audacious as to recreate him in it, or...admitted to myself what I did. Then I probably wouldn't have hallucinated him in the cave, which I'm certain led to this...

[ This is all his own doing, he thinks. ]

[ Ever in-tune with other’s emotions, the moment that he starts to panic in turn, she realizes that it’s her doing and steels herself, taking in a deep breath and focusing less on the fact that he’s just told her about the intimate nature of his dreams and more on the fact that they are truly, deeply bothering him.

The moment that he begins to speak of regret, the panic dissipates entirely, and in its place settles a will to support her friend completely. She reaches out to take a careful hold of his wrist and leans in to try and catch his gaze. ]

Hey— none of that, now. This is not your doing or your fault.

[ She squeezes his wrist gently with a reassuring grip. ]

I’m really grateful that you showed me so much of your home and your history in that dreamscape. And that I got to meet your commander. I never would have gotten to meet him otherwise. The dreams of this world can be a blessing or a curse, but we can’t go regretting the happy dreams that we have. Otherwise, all we’ll have are nightmares.

[ And they have both seen what happens when there are only nightmares. ]

[ Is it not his fault, though? If it all came from his mind, and it still comes from his mind, then is he not the main culprit in these manifestations? Why couldn't he have simply moved past it all when he awoke here, and moved immediately into his new life?

Trahearne looks down at Ori, his attention immediately centered on her as she comes in to take his wrist. The look on his face is torn, extremely conflicted. He seems tired, defeated--he can only take so much constant blissful ecstasy night after night only to be woken in the wee hours. He needs to rest, especially while he's healing. And his lack of it is making him irritable. ]

I know. [ He says this quietly, gaze dropping to her hand. ] I...do miss him, and sometimes, I think it is nice that I dream of him so often. [ A quiet scoff escapes his throat. ] But I wish he would let me rest.

[ She sees that conflicted expression and hears the pain in his voice, and she offers him a sympathetic look. It would be foolish of her to act as if she hasn’t dreamt of Thoma in the months since his departure; so she understands, in a way. Given how he’d reacted to her bringing up her own experiences in the moments that have since passed, she decides not to say anything. She’s woken up from such dreams with such a feeling of confusion and even more so: a profound sadness for what she no longer has. It’s not the same, and she wouldn’t ever pretend that it could be the same.

But she gets it. ]

I’m sorry, Trahearne. It must be so wonderful and painful all at once…

[ Carefully, she pulls him into a hug. It’s reminiscent of the time he’d woken up from his sleep coma with a frightful nightmare; there are no nightmares this time, but many of the same sentiments remain. Regret. Grief. A longing left hanging forevermore. ]

Have you tried saying goodbye to him? In a dream?

[ Ori coming in for a hug shouldn't be unexpected, but it is. Maybe this sort of situation warrants one, he supposes. As he lifts his arms to return the favor, he realizes he's still holding the jar of treats. After carefully placing it on the counter behind him, he gently places his arms around her shoulders, making sure her head doesn't rest on the wound that yet heals. ]

I...have not. [ She has a fair point. Selfishly, he's always been content to let the dreams run their course, instead of trying to take control and talk to him. Even if he is just a manifestation of his mind.

His gaze drops, and a truth he may have been too scared to accept claws at his throat, stings the back of his eyes. ] I know logically I will never see him again, but perhaps in my heart, I've been holding out hope.

[ He was the first to give him hope against Zhaitan, wasn't he? It seems a fragment of that same hope has etched for itself a place in him that he will never be rid of. ]

Maybe a goodbye is what I need.

[ Ori has hugged many a recovering friend - or at least tried to - so when he returns her embrace, she remains mindful of his lingering injuries.

And again, her heart stings and twists at the familiarity of his pain. With Colin, at least, the longing is put to rest by the fact that her other self - the one that is awake - remains with him, living out their life together. And even Thoma - who she may never see again - is happy and healthy in Teyvat.

But Trahearne has not that luxury… He is forever sundered from his commander by death, so while she knows that feeling of longing… She will never know the finality that must weigh on his hopes and dreams.

Still, though… It’s not so wrong to keep hoping, isn’t it? ]

It doesn’t have to be a farewell… It can be a “see you later.”

[ She takes a deep breath and hesitates before she adds, ]

The night that Thoma disappeared… I dreamt of him. He said… that he looks forward to meeting us again. I don’t know if it was really him, or if I was just dreaming in my grief, but… I want to believe those words, regardless.

And I believe them of you and your commander, too. That you two will meet again, some way. But until then… I think it’s okay to say “until we meet again.”

Edited (gently fixes typo ) 2022-10-06 12:38 (UTC)

[ Trahearne stares into nothing, at a spot on the floor. Will they ever meet again? Could they ever meet in the Mists? Being human, his commander's spirit is destined for a different place upon death than where he presumes his would go--assuming he ever gets there, of course. Is there a chance he would ever summon his formal marshal back to the realm of the living for advice? Just to see him? Would he ever find out that he now lives in a realm of dreams and try to find his way to him?

At length, he sighs, dipping his head. The questions, the uncertainties are too numerous. He's a bit too tall for his head to make contact with hers, and so he focuses his concentration on a little bloom at the crown of her head. ]

All right.

[ His voice is low, as though admitting defeat. Ori is often right about these things, matters of sentimentality and the heart. It's something he's always sidestepped--he never needed to bother with these things in such a visceral manner before, and now his inexperience is catching up with him. ]

I will...try.

[ The desire to hold onto him, desperately hang onto hope and the instinct to rip his memory from his life and his heart entirely tug at each other inside of him. Saying see you later, maybe feels like a cheap compromise he will never be satisfied with, but maybe it's the healthiest option--the option that will serve him best. ]

Thank you, Ori.

[ Regardless, he takes her words to heart. He drops his arms, allowing her to go if she pleases, and he sighs. ]

I apologise for being cross with you earlier.

[ Much must be going through Trahearne’s mind in this moment, and she stays silent and still, affording him as long or as short of one as he needs to think about everything. The resignation that she hears in his voice breaks her heart, makes pain lance through her chest in empathy. She'll never know what it's like, but she knows loss and the insurmountable distance between this realm and a lost love.

Perhaps it's a coward's goodbye, to say until we meet again. But in light of everything that's happened as of late... She thinks that Trahearne deserves to have even a little bit of hope. It's not fair, otherwise. Just like it's not fair that her dear friend has only the finality of death awaiting him outside of this dream realm. So damn it, he of all people should be allowed to have hope. ]

You're welcome. And it's... It's alright. I understand now why you were so upset. I don't hold it against you.

[ Of course she wouldn't--Trahearne doubted she would, considering the sort of person she is. It doesn't make him feel any less bad about it, though. He looks down at her apologetically, hoping she doesn't take this as discouragement from ever talking about her significant other(s) in the future. He still likes hearing what she's been through, and what she has to say. ]

I'll try not to let it get to me anymore. [ He wouldn't want to snap at anyone else.

A thought occurs to him, and he twists around to grab the box of cookies that went untouched earlier. The tension in the air between them has soothed, no small part in thanks to Ori's empathy; as usual, Trahearne wonders if he could have handled that better.

As he extends the box to her, he opens his mouth to voice his offering, when a certain third party notices the gesture. Seisyll is rather upset that she came down here for treats and is not receiving any--she meows loudly before Trahearne can say anything.

The sylvari peers down at his cat for a moment, before his expression finally eases with a chuckle. ]

Ah. It's because I grabbed the treats earlier, isn't it?

[ He twists around the other direction to take the jar, and hands that to Ori instead. ]

Go on. I think she's taking a liking to you already.

songerein inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject