🌳 trahearne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pactmarshal) wrote2022-03-07 03:53 pm
pactmarshal) wrote2022-03-07 03:53 pm
Entry tags:
songerein inbox
IC Contact
letters / at-home visits
looking for the archives?
IC Contact
letters / at-home visits
looking for the archives?
Ori.
[ The way he says her name this time is less of a scold. More sympathetic, concerned, perhaps a bit exasperated. I'll do better from now on is very much a mirror of his own feelings on the matter--as far as he's concerned. He failed. He failed to subdue Eustace, he failed to protect Ori, he failed to keep the others safe. Despite all the caution he'd given Beat beforehand, a part of him had been arrogant. He and Eustace alone had a much easier time against Phantom when he turned. But perhaps that was all Eustace to begin with. Maybe he's always been weak, but had never noticed. ]
You didn't know, and I forgive you.
[ It isn't okay, as he would often say in situations like this, because it really isn't. But he forgives her.
Something, in this moment of honesty and vulnerability, boils in his chest when she says that to him, though. Anger flashes through his eyes, and he tenses. ]
But you did not do more harm than good. We all did our best, but the fact of the matter is that Eustace was much too powerful for all of us. I saw you fight, and you were incredible. If anything, I should have done more to back you up.
[ His anger simmers, and his brows raise in genuine worry. ]
Please don't fall into your negative thoughts.
[ The way he says her name this time is less of a scold. More sympathetic, concerned, perhaps a bit exasperated. I'll do better from now on is very much a mirror of his own feelings on the matter--as far as he's concerned. He failed. He failed to subdue Eustace, he failed to protect Ori, he failed to keep the others safe. Despite all the caution he'd given Beat beforehand, a part of him had been arrogant. He and Eustace alone had a much easier time against Phantom when he turned. But perhaps that was all Eustace to begin with. Maybe he's always been weak, but had never noticed. ]
You didn't know, and I forgive you.
[ It isn't okay, as he would often say in situations like this, because it really isn't. But he forgives her.
Something, in this moment of honesty and vulnerability, boils in his chest when she says that to him, though. Anger flashes through his eyes, and he tenses. ]
But you did not do more harm than good. We all did our best, but the fact of the matter is that Eustace was much too powerful for all of us. I saw you fight, and you were incredible. If anything, I should have done more to back you up.
[ His anger simmers, and his brows raise in genuine worry. ]
Please don't fall into your negative thoughts.
As much as I'd like to believe that you are "fine" and get past it, I made that mistake several weeks ago when Eutsace had his nightmare. [ He's seen where that led. And he's seen Beatrix's nightmare, though he isn't entirely sure how to breach that subject. ] Please be honest with us, and most importantly yourself, Beatrix. You don't have to tell me the truth if you're not inclined to share, but I highly doubt any of us are "fine" after this.
Only if you are up to it, I will accept your offer of help. I unfortunately don't have much in the way of food at the moment, so if you're available to pick up and drop off some food, I will gladly take it. I will pay you back, of course.
[ Scribbled in after "food" as an afterthought is "and a coffee." He can't sleep, so he may as well try and force himself awake. ]
If you are not up to it, then it's all right. I understand the circumstances. I can have someone from the Wild Harvest swing by later today.
Only if you are up to it, I will accept your offer of help. I unfortunately don't have much in the way of food at the moment, so if you're available to pick up and drop off some food, I will gladly take it. I will pay you back, of course.
[ Scribbled in after "food" as an afterthought is "and a coffee." He can't sleep, so he may as well try and force himself awake. ]
If you are not up to it, then it's all right. I understand the circumstances. I can have someone from the Wild Harvest swing by later today.
[ Throughout his life, anytime someone initiated a meeting with "I wanted to see you," was typically followed by a, "I need to consult with you on a specific point in Orr's history," or "Could you provide some insight on the recent change in Risen activity north of Terzetto Bay?" or "Marshal, I need those bereavement forms signed off on by the end of the day."
"I want to hear your voice," is the last thing he expects.
Regardless of Aerith's true motives behind the statement, he can say with definitive certainty that no one has ever said that to him before. For a moment, he isn't sure if he's hallucinating this, or if the words are simply a product of all the other jumbled thoughts tumbling endlessly through his mind. He almost doesn't believe it.
But he decides to, because it's a nice thing to hear amidst all the lingering nightmare and trauma. Gingerly, he grasps the basket handle and threads his arm through the loop, an easy, yet tired smile crossing his face as he does so. ]
I'm flattered, Aerith. Thank you.
[ He settles the handle of the basket in the crook of his elbow and glances down at all of the apples inside. What is he going to do with all of these...?
He'll figure that out later.
With a tilt of his head, he gestures to the path before him, over Aerith's shoulder. ]
I was just on my way home. Walk with me--perhaps we can stop somewhere on the way. [ He's seen plenty of little establishments on the way to and from the archives, but he is always too focused to ever stop at any of them when he walks this way. ] And you're in luck. There's plenty to talk about.
[ About recovery. The aftermath. ]
"I want to hear your voice," is the last thing he expects.
Regardless of Aerith's true motives behind the statement, he can say with definitive certainty that no one has ever said that to him before. For a moment, he isn't sure if he's hallucinating this, or if the words are simply a product of all the other jumbled thoughts tumbling endlessly through his mind. He almost doesn't believe it.
But he decides to, because it's a nice thing to hear amidst all the lingering nightmare and trauma. Gingerly, he grasps the basket handle and threads his arm through the loop, an easy, yet tired smile crossing his face as he does so. ]
I'm flattered, Aerith. Thank you.
[ He settles the handle of the basket in the crook of his elbow and glances down at all of the apples inside. What is he going to do with all of these...?
He'll figure that out later.
With a tilt of his head, he gestures to the path before him, over Aerith's shoulder. ]
I was just on my way home. Walk with me--perhaps we can stop somewhere on the way. [ He's seen plenty of little establishments on the way to and from the archives, but he is always too focused to ever stop at any of them when he walks this way. ] And you're in luck. There's plenty to talk about.
[ About recovery. The aftermath. ]
[ When Trahearne takes the basket of apples, Aerith lets out a pleased little giggle. It's like she's won some non-existent argument, though that isn't the truth. She nods, satisfied, and then looks back up to his face to take in his expression with a knowing little glance. It isn't the first time she's been viewed as saying or doing something terribly impossible or easy to mistake as simply not happening. She'd be terribly used to it if she knew, but she gets the feeling he's mulling over it in astonishment or something similar to it anyway. Maybe it's just what happens when you nearly die saving a friend together.
That exhaustion is still seeping through his smile, but she doesn't mind it much. It's not like he's going to be getting less tired anytime soon, and, selfishly, she still wanted to see him. He laughed with her about Eustace before, maybe today they can do the same— she isn't so sure, but she hopes that if not today, some day... ]
Sure is! [ Would she actually talk about it? She's not sure. ] Sorry it's just apples. What's your favorite thing to eat? Mine is anything my mom cooks. I could eat myself stupid off a pot of her chicken noodle soup right about now!
[ This is probably not the conversation he expects, but admittedly, it's a little nugget peeking into her brain. She wants to be coddled by her mother right now. ]
That exhaustion is still seeping through his smile, but she doesn't mind it much. It's not like he's going to be getting less tired anytime soon, and, selfishly, she still wanted to see him. He laughed with her about Eustace before, maybe today they can do the same— she isn't so sure, but she hopes that if not today, some day... ]
Sure is! [ Would she actually talk about it? She's not sure. ] Sorry it's just apples. What's your favorite thing to eat? Mine is anything my mom cooks. I could eat myself stupid off a pot of her chicken noodle soup right about now!
[ This is probably not the conversation he expects, but admittedly, it's a little nugget peeking into her brain. She wants to be coddled by her mother right now. ]
[ She looks… Unconvinced, to say the very least, when he says that he forgives her. She wants to believe that he’s willing to put this past them, but that part of her that always wants to assume the worst can’t help but feel that she’s done irreparable damage to their friendship. It will may take her some time, yet, to relieve herself of this guilt, but… ]
No, I… I didn’t do enough. Even from the very start, I was reckless and let Beat get hurt, and then in the end you had to jump in between Eustace and I and—
[ A hand goes up to scrub at her face in frustration. ]
It’s always like this. Even when we were fighting Prince Ibram, I… All I ever do is make everyone worry.
No, I… I didn’t do enough. Even from the very start, I was reckless and let Beat get hurt, and then in the end you had to jump in between Eustace and I and—
[ A hand goes up to scrub at her face in frustration. ]
It’s always like this. Even when we were fighting Prince Ibram, I… All I ever do is make everyone worry.
[It's so strange how his words can have the most subtle air of pressure to them and at the same time, they provide something reassuring. Something that Beatrix has not been able to grow accustomed to, though this is hardly the first time she's received it since arrival.
Support.
She wishes she better knew what to do with it. Or how to politely decline it because as Oriphi has shown her, no matter how much she has desired to leave a solid wall between herself and others, it has not happened. Rather, it has not worked out the way she'd like for it to. It would be easier to evade what he says, but that is much harder to do in writing than it is to do in person.]
No need for repayment. I could use the distraction, honestly. Is there something in particular you would like to eat? May be helpful to be a bit more specific on your coffee as well.
[She decides that is telling enough. Implication that she is distressed by events as of recent—not just the situation with Eustace and Tifa, but also with her dream, though she has no way of knowing if he was one of the unlucky ones to view it.
As usual, never quite honest the way she ought to be. The way others deserve for her to be. But at least she's not hammering herself down on the 'I'm fine' placement.]
Support.
She wishes she better knew what to do with it. Or how to politely decline it because as Oriphi has shown her, no matter how much she has desired to leave a solid wall between herself and others, it has not happened. Rather, it has not worked out the way she'd like for it to. It would be easier to evade what he says, but that is much harder to do in writing than it is to do in person.]
No need for repayment. I could use the distraction, honestly. Is there something in particular you would like to eat? May be helpful to be a bit more specific on your coffee as well.
[She decides that is telling enough. Implication that she is distressed by events as of recent—not just the situation with Eustace and Tifa, but also with her dream, though she has no way of knowing if he was one of the unlucky ones to view it.
As usual, never quite honest the way she ought to be. The way others deserve for her to be. But at least she's not hammering herself down on the 'I'm fine' placement.]
[ "I could use the distraction, honestly," is more than enough tell for Trahearne. Distraction isn't a solution, but...well, if giving her an errand will help her, then so be it.
Beatrix will never see him sigh the way he does as he brings his pen to paper. ]
I am not particularly picky - whatever is easiest for you to carry and can last me a handful of meals should be enough. Please don't push yourself.
As for my coffee, I take it plain (I believe there's a specialized term for that, but I am not sure what it is).
Thank you, Beatrix. I look forward to seeing you.
[ Genuinely. He's getting a little bored of his own thoughts and books. ]
Beatrix will never see him sigh the way he does as he brings his pen to paper. ]
I am not particularly picky - whatever is easiest for you to carry and can last me a handful of meals should be enough. Please don't push yourself.
As for my coffee, I take it plain (I believe there's a specialized term for that, but I am not sure what it is).
Thank you, Beatrix. I look forward to seeing you.
[ Genuinely. He's getting a little bored of his own thoughts and books. ]
[ It most certainly isn't the conversation he's expecting, and maybe she'll notice the confused glance he briefly throws her direction, but he shouldn't be surprised. Their first conversation was full of surprises--why shouldn't their subsequent ones be just as...as...interesting?
He still wants to make sure she's okay, considering he'd heard she took a bad injury, but they'll get there. She seems fine, on the surface, at least.
At her apology, he glances down at all the apples. It's fine, in all honesty. He'll just snack on them when he inevitably finds himself awake in the wee hours of the morning. ]
Chicken noodle soup. [ He repeats, not like it's a foreign word, but to solidify the image in his mind. A warm cup of soup does sound nice, especially considering the circumstances. ] That sounds delightful.
[ He smiles at her. ] I can't say I have a favourite in particular, but I do enjoy spicy foods. Did you manage to visit the Wild Harvest when they were holding the contest?
He still wants to make sure she's okay, considering he'd heard she took a bad injury, but they'll get there. She seems fine, on the surface, at least.
At her apology, he glances down at all the apples. It's fine, in all honesty. He'll just snack on them when he inevitably finds himself awake in the wee hours of the morning. ]
Chicken noodle soup. [ He repeats, not like it's a foreign word, but to solidify the image in his mind. A warm cup of soup does sound nice, especially considering the circumstances. ] That sounds delightful.
[ He smiles at her. ] I can't say I have a favourite in particular, but I do enjoy spicy foods. Did you manage to visit the Wild Harvest when they were holding the contest?
[ Seisyll, free from one hand, slinks out of her lap to leap up onto the table again and starts to sniff her bottles.
Trahearne frowns, a sign of frustration of his own. He knows Ori doesn't think much of herself, and sometimes it feels as though nothing he says gets to her. Maybe he's not the right person to be telling her these things, but he will continue to say them anyway.
He reaches across the small table to place a hand on hers, trying to coax it off her face. ]
People worry about you because they care for you. They do it because they want to help you.
[ A wry smile crosses his face, whether or not she can see it. ] I constantly worry, it's in my nature. I worry about my mother, the wellbeing of all of my siblings--even the ones whose names I do not know. I worry about my friends here, I worry about H-- Seisyll!
[ The cheeky cat has started to gently nudge one of the bottles towards the edge of the table, and Trahearne quickly stands, scooping her into his arms and swiftly deposits her on the ground. Naughty kitty. ]
Trahearne frowns, a sign of frustration of his own. He knows Ori doesn't think much of herself, and sometimes it feels as though nothing he says gets to her. Maybe he's not the right person to be telling her these things, but he will continue to say them anyway.
He reaches across the small table to place a hand on hers, trying to coax it off her face. ]
People worry about you because they care for you. They do it because they want to help you.
[ A wry smile crosses his face, whether or not she can see it. ] I constantly worry, it's in my nature. I worry about my mother, the wellbeing of all of my siblings--even the ones whose names I do not know. I worry about my friends here, I worry about H-- Seisyll!
[ The cheeky cat has started to gently nudge one of the bottles towards the edge of the table, and Trahearne quickly stands, scooping her into his arms and swiftly deposits her on the ground. Naughty kitty. ]
[Leaving Beatrix in charge of any kind of food is a terrible idea, honestly, and she knows it. She wonders almost immediately what she could potentially bring him. She doesn't know what really goes into cooking, so ingredients isn't a good idea either. She'll figure out something, though. Maybe whilst she's on the way to get him a plain coffee.
...This is going to be an adventure.]
I will arrive shortly. Do take care not to overextend yourself unnecessarily.
[And in some designated amount of time later, Beatrix arrives at his comfortable abode past the arrival plaza with a couple of bags in hand and that so-called plain coffee, which she managed to get by actually reading it right from her journal. They seemed to get well enough what she meant.
In tow, she's come armed with largely fruits and vegetables, all of which can be eaten without too much preparation and without a doubt, she likely had help from some locals on what to acquire. Just further proof that this is just another one of those things that is not within Beatrix's expertise.
Setting her bags down, she knocks and waits. Patiently.]
...This is going to be an adventure.]
I will arrive shortly. Do take care not to overextend yourself unnecessarily.
[And in some designated amount of time later, Beatrix arrives at his comfortable abode past the arrival plaza with a couple of bags in hand and that so-called plain coffee, which she managed to get by actually reading it right from her journal. They seemed to get well enough what she meant.
In tow, she's come armed with largely fruits and vegetables, all of which can be eaten without too much preparation and without a doubt, she likely had help from some locals on what to acquire. Just further proof that this is just another one of those things that is not within Beatrix's expertise.
Setting her bags down, she knocks and waits. Patiently.]
I woke there, actually.
[ She gives up this information so easily, like she's commenting on the weather. She smiles, though, and notes that down; next time, she'll beg Susato to make a plate of spicy curry to go for him. Free of charge, of course: She thinks they all deserve a free meal now. ]
Susato and I... actually go back a bit. Not as much as her and Kazuma, obviously, but, a fair bit. [ Her expression, here, sinks a little, as does her heart. When she'd stood in that storm, smiled at Tifa and Susato, she'd known that there might be no coming back from that decision. But she couldn't allow herself to linger, to roll over and let Susato handle it, like she surely would have. She's too bright and young, and protecting someone she cares about is second-nature to Aerith. ]
I'm proud of her. I'm proud of you, too.
[ She gives up this information so easily, like she's commenting on the weather. She smiles, though, and notes that down; next time, she'll beg Susato to make a plate of spicy curry to go for him. Free of charge, of course: She thinks they all deserve a free meal now. ]
Susato and I... actually go back a bit. Not as much as her and Kazuma, obviously, but, a fair bit. [ Her expression, here, sinks a little, as does her heart. When she'd stood in that storm, smiled at Tifa and Susato, she'd known that there might be no coming back from that decision. But she couldn't allow herself to linger, to roll over and let Susato handle it, like she surely would have. She's too bright and young, and protecting someone she cares about is second-nature to Aerith. ]
I'm proud of her. I'm proud of you, too.
[ She doesn’t protest or pull her hand away when he coaxes it away from her face, although she can’t quite bring herself to meet his gaze. Instead, her gaze is fixed on her now-empty lap now that Seisyll has vacated it, her other hand curling into a fistful of fabric as she grips at her skirt in frustration. ]
But… That’s just it, I want to be able to take worries off of people’s shoulders. So many people here, people like you and Diluc and Beatrix and Eustace, [ his name being emphasized, given what they’d just seen of him, ] you always try to go about everything thinking that you have to shoulder everything yourselves and that you’re all alone, but it’s not fair at all… Not to yourselves or to anyone who cares about you. I’m starting to get really…
[ She draws in a deep breath, and then exhales it shakily. ]
Upset about it. Stop worrying about me, if you’re not going to let me worry about you in return. It’s not fair…
But… That’s just it, I want to be able to take worries off of people’s shoulders. So many people here, people like you and Diluc and Beatrix and Eustace, [ his name being emphasized, given what they’d just seen of him, ] you always try to go about everything thinking that you have to shoulder everything yourselves and that you’re all alone, but it’s not fair at all… Not to yourselves or to anyone who cares about you. I’m starting to get really…
[ She draws in a deep breath, and then exhales it shakily. ]
Upset about it. Stop worrying about me, if you’re not going to let me worry about you in return. It’s not fair…
[ He isn't expecting Ori to keep going while he's still standing. After watching Seisyll scamper up the stairs, he turns his attention back to her and slowly settles back in his chair.
The urge to deflect is there, but he listens to her. Really listens and processes what she has to say--it's the least he can do.
She's right, though. He has a million excuses as to why he always deflects, why he insists on caring and worrying for others over letting them fuss over him: he was a leader, he was in charge. He needed to stay strong to keep morale up, he needed to guide and mentor his younger siblings, he needed to guide the way and inspire others to give their best. And as such, he had never been good at accepting others' concern. He's never been in any sort of relationship where these things were shared equally.
But it's time for change--something he's been telling himself over and over again. He's no longer Firstborn Trahearne. He's not Marshal Trahearne. He's just Trahearne, just as she's just Ori, and their friends are just Eustace, just Phantom...regardless of whatever they are in the waking world. When is he going to internalize this?
His thoughts are going, his mind processing what Ori said, and so he remains silent for a moment longer. The instinct telling him to push back is still there, but he ignores it. ]
...You're right, and I'm sorry. [ He looks up at her with a deep frown. He may not voice it, but he's still worried about her. ] I'll...I'll gladly accept your worries about me, and I apologise that I have not been very...receptive. [ His gaze drops to the cookies. ] I suppose I don't really know how to be.
The urge to deflect is there, but he listens to her. Really listens and processes what she has to say--it's the least he can do.
She's right, though. He has a million excuses as to why he always deflects, why he insists on caring and worrying for others over letting them fuss over him: he was a leader, he was in charge. He needed to stay strong to keep morale up, he needed to guide and mentor his younger siblings, he needed to guide the way and inspire others to give their best. And as such, he had never been good at accepting others' concern. He's never been in any sort of relationship where these things were shared equally.
But it's time for change--something he's been telling himself over and over again. He's no longer Firstborn Trahearne. He's not Marshal Trahearne. He's just Trahearne, just as she's just Ori, and their friends are just Eustace, just Phantom...regardless of whatever they are in the waking world. When is he going to internalize this?
His thoughts are going, his mind processing what Ori said, and so he remains silent for a moment longer. The instinct telling him to push back is still there, but he ignores it. ]
...You're right, and I'm sorry. [ He looks up at her with a deep frown. He may not voice it, but he's still worried about her. ] I'll...I'll gladly accept your worries about me, and I apologise that I have not been very...receptive. [ His gaze drops to the cookies. ] I suppose I don't really know how to be.
[ There is one spry resident in this house, and she gets to the door first.
The door (never locked, sometimes never fully closed), pries open just ever so slightly, revealing a sliver of the quiet lower floor of Trahearne's house. And if Beatrix is to look down, she'll spot a cat trying her best to open the door with her face.
Trahearne himself appears moments later as the door opens wider, the cat darting back inside. ]
Hello, Beatrix. [ He gives her a tired smile, his gaze briefly darting to the bags of groceries and the coffee in her hand. ] I hope I didn't give you too much trouble.
The door (never locked, sometimes never fully closed), pries open just ever so slightly, revealing a sliver of the quiet lower floor of Trahearne's house. And if Beatrix is to look down, she'll spot a cat trying her best to open the door with her face.
Trahearne himself appears moments later as the door opens wider, the cat darting back inside. ]
Hello, Beatrix. [ He gives her a tired smile, his gaze briefly darting to the bags of groceries and the coffee in her hand. ] I hope I didn't give you too much trouble.
[ And it's nice information to have, in all honesty. He's genuinely happy for Aerith--to awaken in a place with a small group of people who, he knows, are willing to immediately lend a hand to a newcomer. And to forge friendships with those people--such meetings are irreplaceable, and hard to replicate. He's glad she has Susato, and Tifa.
At mention of Susato, he makes a mental note to drop by and say hello later.
And he is about to agree with Aerith--perhaps he doesn't know her well enough to say he's proud of Susato, but he can offer kind words about her foresight and preparedness. That they may have saved his life, all things considered.
But yet again, Aerith blindsides him with yet another phrase he's fairly certain no one has ever said to him before. As he adjusts the basket of apples in his arm, he regards her curiously, unsure if she means it, or if he should smile, or begin a detailed critique of his actions as to why he doesn't deserve it-- ]
...You're proud of me? What ever for?
[ And so, he settles for clarification. ]
At mention of Susato, he makes a mental note to drop by and say hello later.
And he is about to agree with Aerith--perhaps he doesn't know her well enough to say he's proud of Susato, but he can offer kind words about her foresight and preparedness. That they may have saved his life, all things considered.
But yet again, Aerith blindsides him with yet another phrase he's fairly certain no one has ever said to him before. As he adjusts the basket of apples in his arm, he regards her curiously, unsure if she means it, or if he should smile, or begin a detailed critique of his actions as to why he doesn't deserve it-- ]
...You're proud of me? What ever for?
[ And so, he settles for clarification. ]
[...A... cat?
Somehow, it still always surprises her when she finds that someone has a pet or some other like-minded familiar. Yet in hindsight, when she considers the kind of person that Trahearne is, it's not such a strange discovery. He's never been anything but kind, after all. And sometimes, people like him, people like her, can more easily create friendships with animals than with people.
For several moments, she's focused on the cat as she's retrieving the bags she set down. When she hears him, she quickly moves her attention onto the Sylvari, careful to move to the side, so she doesn't get in the cat's way as it makes way back inside.]
No. Of course not. I would not have offered if I thought it was going to be troublesome.
[She offers over his coffee and then dips her chin to eye the innards of one of the bags she's holding.]
I hope you like fruit. And vegetables. My knowledge on food and cooking is relatively sparse, so I thought it wiser to get you something simple.
Somehow, it still always surprises her when she finds that someone has a pet or some other like-minded familiar. Yet in hindsight, when she considers the kind of person that Trahearne is, it's not such a strange discovery. He's never been anything but kind, after all. And sometimes, people like him, people like her, can more easily create friendships with animals than with people.
For several moments, she's focused on the cat as she's retrieving the bags she set down. When she hears him, she quickly moves her attention onto the Sylvari, careful to move to the side, so she doesn't get in the cat's way as it makes way back inside.]
No. Of course not. I would not have offered if I thought it was going to be troublesome.
[She offers over his coffee and then dips her chin to eye the innards of one of the bags she's holding.]
I hope you like fruit. And vegetables. My knowledge on food and cooking is relatively sparse, so I thought it wiser to get you something simple.
[ She falls back into old ways and old habits in times like these, and as soon as she’s realized just how much she’s said, she immediately regrets it, immediately regrets speaking up and saying how she feels. Feeling sorry for taking up space.
It’s not her that he should be apologizing to. Just like with Diluc and confronting him about his own ways… It’s not fair most of all to theirselves.
But she understands, too. At the end of the day, she’s guilty of much the same, just in different ways. In focusing much more on others’ feelings over her own, among others. ]
It’s… It’s alright. We can all work together to learn. I’m learning, too.
I just… I don’t want to see that happen to anyone, anymore.
It’s not her that he should be apologizing to. Just like with Diluc and confronting him about his own ways… It’s not fair most of all to theirselves.
But she understands, too. At the end of the day, she’s guilty of much the same, just in different ways. In focusing much more on others’ feelings over her own, among others. ]
It’s… It’s alright. We can all work together to learn. I’m learning, too.
I just… I don’t want to see that happen to anyone, anymore.
[ Opening oneself really is a learning process, and it's turning out to be more difficult than Trahearne thinks. A couple of seasons worth of trials forcing him to reassess his mindset still has nothing on twenty-six years of internalized behaviors.
But he is trying.
He nods in affirmation to Ori's first statement. If anything, they can keep one another accountable in these sorts of situations. Which is why they're having this conversation.
...That still doesn't keep Trahearne from suddenly clenching his fists in rage, though. He tenses, jaw set, as he thinks back to the moment he thinks she's talking about. ]
I will always jump in to save you, Ori. And I will never think twice about it.
[ He frowns. What was he supposed to do, sit there and watch Eustace attack her like that? ]
I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself had I not.
I would have never forgiven Eustace.
But he is trying.
He nods in affirmation to Ori's first statement. If anything, they can keep one another accountable in these sorts of situations. Which is why they're having this conversation.
...That still doesn't keep Trahearne from suddenly clenching his fists in rage, though. He tenses, jaw set, as he thinks back to the moment he thinks she's talking about. ]
I will always jump in to save you, Ori. And I will never think twice about it.
[ He frowns. What was he supposed to do, sit there and watch Eustace attack her like that? ]
I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself had I not.
I would have never forgiven Eustace.
[ With a small smile, Trahearne takes the coffee. Mm. Smells good. ]
Thank you.
[ As he backs away from the door, the inside comes into view--the bottom floor of his house in this tree is rather sparse. One table with two chairs sits beneath the window on one side of the room, and the other side is lined with counters. Perhaps it would typically be used for food prep, but it seems to be home mostly to books and a few miscellaneous containers. On the far side of the room, opposite the front door, is a spiral staircase leading up.
The cat leaps onto the table to watch as Trahearne places his coffee cup beside her, and he moves to start clearing away some of the books from the counterspace. ]
I can't say I'm too knowledgeable on food, or am much of a gourmet myself, so this is perfect, Beatrix. I appreciate this a great deal.
[ This should last him a while. He smiles at her. ]
Thank you.
[ As he backs away from the door, the inside comes into view--the bottom floor of his house in this tree is rather sparse. One table with two chairs sits beneath the window on one side of the room, and the other side is lined with counters. Perhaps it would typically be used for food prep, but it seems to be home mostly to books and a few miscellaneous containers. On the far side of the room, opposite the front door, is a spiral staircase leading up.
The cat leaps onto the table to watch as Trahearne places his coffee cup beside her, and he moves to start clearing away some of the books from the counterspace. ]
I can't say I'm too knowledgeable on food, or am much of a gourmet myself, so this is perfect, Beatrix. I appreciate this a great deal.
[ This should last him a while. He smiles at her. ]
...
[ She doesn’t have to be looking at Trahearne to pick up on his frustration, his anger. These sorts of feelings are always going to be uncomfortable to sit with, whether they’re her own or someone else’s. But it’s no small blessing, in her book, that Trahearne ultimately tells her what he’s frustrated and angry about.
It’s a step in the right direction. Even if she doesn’t necessarily like what she hears. ]
I understand… But you know, I—
Eustace showed us. I don’t know if you saw it too. What led up to all of this… He’s lost Tifa so many times. When I think about how much pain he must have been in, I can’t help… I can’t help but feel like I understand. If that happened to me, if I lost Diluc like that, I… It would break me.
[ And when she thinks about that, she realizes… She can't bring herself to blame him for what happened. ]
[ She doesn’t have to be looking at Trahearne to pick up on his frustration, his anger. These sorts of feelings are always going to be uncomfortable to sit with, whether they’re her own or someone else’s. But it’s no small blessing, in her book, that Trahearne ultimately tells her what he’s frustrated and angry about.
It’s a step in the right direction. Even if she doesn’t necessarily like what she hears. ]
I understand… But you know, I—
Eustace showed us. I don’t know if you saw it too. What led up to all of this… He’s lost Tifa so many times. When I think about how much pain he must have been in, I can’t help… I can’t help but feel like I understand. If that happened to me, if I lost Diluc like that, I… It would break me.
[ And when she thinks about that, she realizes… She can't bring herself to blame him for what happened. ]
[She shakes her head at him. She doesn’t need the gratitude. It’s a little nice to hear, but entirely unnecessary. He would have done the same for her, after all. If she let him, of course. There’s some moments of hesitance when he backs away from the door and for those moments as she moves one back to one hand just to balance herself out a bit, she takes in the interior.
Beatrix is still incredibly old-fashioned. It’s improper to visit a man’s residence alone. As much as it’s improper to let a man visit her own place alone. But he doesn’t seem to be turning her away and she supposes to some extent, she can’t always hide behind archaic habits of the past. Or that sense of conservative nature she holds about herself and others.
She compromises by taking exactly one step in and staying put.]
Do… you want me to put these somewhere in particular for you?
Beatrix is still incredibly old-fashioned. It’s improper to visit a man’s residence alone. As much as it’s improper to let a man visit her own place alone. But he doesn’t seem to be turning her away and she supposes to some extent, she can’t always hide behind archaic habits of the past. Or that sense of conservative nature she holds about herself and others.
She compromises by taking exactly one step in and staying put.]
Do… you want me to put these somewhere in particular for you?
That's quite the admission to make right after all that talk about worry.
[ Trahearne snaps at her--his response comes surprisingly quickly.
He does understand, logically. He is the one, after all, who sent an entire army to their deaths because he was furious with Mordremoth for injuring the Pale Tree.
But even though it was an emotional decision, it was still his decision. It wasn't a good one, but it was his. His mind was his own. He did not consciously harm or injure any of his soldiers with his own hands along the way.
Not even under Mordremoth's control did he ever give in and harm another. Not once.
So does he understand, emotionally? Not at all. And the prospect of Ori turning and harming their friends again makes him furious. ]
You will let me worry about you, and you will let me worry about Diluc, too. It's clear to me that these sort of relationships are much too-- [ He makes an abrupt gesture with his hands. ] --fragile for a volatile realm such as this. And I would never forgive you if you were to harm any of our friends because of it.
[ He isn't sure what kind of point he's trying to make--he's too angry to think straight. He's tired, frustrated, and homebound. He's normally more empathetic, kinder, but he hates what he's hearing. ]
[ Trahearne snaps at her--his response comes surprisingly quickly.
He does understand, logically. He is the one, after all, who sent an entire army to their deaths because he was furious with Mordremoth for injuring the Pale Tree.
But even though it was an emotional decision, it was still his decision. It wasn't a good one, but it was his. His mind was his own. He did not consciously harm or injure any of his soldiers with his own hands along the way.
Not even under Mordremoth's control did he ever give in and harm another. Not once.
So does he understand, emotionally? Not at all. And the prospect of Ori turning and harming their friends again makes him furious. ]
You will let me worry about you, and you will let me worry about Diluc, too. It's clear to me that these sort of relationships are much too-- [ He makes an abrupt gesture with his hands. ] --fragile for a volatile realm such as this. And I would never forgive you if you were to harm any of our friends because of it.
[ He isn't sure what kind of point he's trying to make--he's too angry to think straight. He's tired, frustrated, and homebound. He's normally more empathetic, kinder, but he hates what he's hearing. ]
[ If Beatrix's habits are archaic, then Trahearne's are impossibly new. He's never owned a home before--sylvari scarcely ever owned homes--and while he's aware of
human homeownership rituals, he isn't so good at remembering them in practice. Not that he'd ever think they applied to him, of course.
So he simply chalks it up to Beatrix being Beatrix as she hangs awkwardly in the doorway, and glances her way when she speaks up, his arms still full of books. ]
Oh, yes.
[ He nods back towards the counter, mostly cleared now. As he sets the books down on the little table, he is peripherally aware of his cat's intentions to ruin the cup of coffee, so he quickly picks it up and out of the way. ]
The counter is perfect. I'll help you unpack.
human homeownership rituals, he isn't so good at remembering them in practice. Not that he'd ever think they applied to him, of course.
So he simply chalks it up to Beatrix being Beatrix as she hangs awkwardly in the doorway, and glances her way when she speaks up, his arms still full of books. ]
Oh, yes.
[ He nods back towards the counter, mostly cleared now. As he sets the books down on the little table, he is peripherally aware of his cat's intentions to ruin the cup of coffee, so he quickly picks it up and out of the way. ]
The counter is perfect. I'll help you unpack.
[ She knows that what she’s said doesn’t sound great. And yet she doesn’t regret saying it, either - if they are all to prevent this from happening in the future, they need to know where they’re all at. And that includes having such thoughts. She bears his anger and his worry with that, because he’s right - how could she not, after everything she’s just said about worry?
In the end, though, it’s not his insistence that he would never forgive her if she hurt their friends that gets at her, because she understands. She’s having a hard enough time reconciling the fact that she completely understands why Eustace turned noctaere with the fact that he hurt her and worse - hurt Trahearne and all of their friends. Even the dogs.
It’s his statement that their relationships are fragile that has her bowing her head in anguish.
Because he’s right about that, too. Each day, she lives with the fear that she’ll wake up and find Diluc gone, just as they had with Thoma. Dreams are fleeting and unpredictable and at times, nonsensical. At any given moment, they could wake up. And then they would be worlds apart and none the wiser, left only with a faint feeling that she’d had a most wonderful dream that she’ll never be able to know. She knows this because it’s already happened to her once.
What she has with Diluc is fragile, in a sense.
But not for the reasons that Trahearne may be thinking. She draws in a deep breath as his words hang in the air, filling it with certain tension. On the heels of what she and Diluc expressed to one another that night… She can’t accept anyone thinking that their relationship is fragile.
It may be fleeting, by the nature of this realm. But it is not so easily broken. ]
I understand that… And I don’t want you to think that I’m excusing Eustace’s actions just because I understand where he’s coming from. I hate to see people hurt. It’s my job to make sure that they aren’t.
But, please, don’t call it fragile… Maybe you think it’s foolish because of what happened, but… We don’t intend to ever let it get to that point. That’s why I’m telling you that all of us need to talk about these things.
[ Her lips press into a thin line, and when they part once more as she continues to speak, her voice is resolute, but shaking with emotion. ]
Diluc and I made a promise not to hide from one another and that whatever we may face, we’ll face it together. We’re not going to let each other drown. So please… Don’t call it fragile…
In the end, though, it’s not his insistence that he would never forgive her if she hurt their friends that gets at her, because she understands. She’s having a hard enough time reconciling the fact that she completely understands why Eustace turned noctaere with the fact that he hurt her and worse - hurt Trahearne and all of their friends. Even the dogs.
It’s his statement that their relationships are fragile that has her bowing her head in anguish.
Because he’s right about that, too. Each day, she lives with the fear that she’ll wake up and find Diluc gone, just as they had with Thoma. Dreams are fleeting and unpredictable and at times, nonsensical. At any given moment, they could wake up. And then they would be worlds apart and none the wiser, left only with a faint feeling that she’d had a most wonderful dream that she’ll never be able to know. She knows this because it’s already happened to her once.
What she has with Diluc is fragile, in a sense.
But not for the reasons that Trahearne may be thinking. She draws in a deep breath as his words hang in the air, filling it with certain tension. On the heels of what she and Diluc expressed to one another that night… She can’t accept anyone thinking that their relationship is fragile.
It may be fleeting, by the nature of this realm. But it is not so easily broken. ]
I understand that… And I don’t want you to think that I’m excusing Eustace’s actions just because I understand where he’s coming from. I hate to see people hurt. It’s my job to make sure that they aren’t.
But, please, don’t call it fragile… Maybe you think it’s foolish because of what happened, but… We don’t intend to ever let it get to that point. That’s why I’m telling you that all of us need to talk about these things.
[ Her lips press into a thin line, and when they part once more as she continues to speak, her voice is resolute, but shaking with emotion. ]
Diluc and I made a promise not to hide from one another and that whatever we may face, we’ll face it together. We’re not going to let each other drown. So please… Don’t call it fragile…
[ He turns his gaze up to her, amber eyes boring into her in an intense stare.
He's watched, over and over and over again, relationships be ripped apart by forces greater than mortally comprehensible. He's watched otherwise strong and reliable individuals shatter to pieces when they receive word that a partner or child or parent or sibling perished in battle. He's had people lash out at him, yell at him, spew horrible curses at him when civilian family members receive word about a Pact member's death. He's had to bear the torrent of pointed blame in wake of Scarlet's attack on Lion's Arch, even though, logically, it was not the Pact's fault or responsibility.
So as far as he's concerned, it is fragile. People are fragile, and he considers himself no exception. Even if, it seems by her word choice, that what exactly they're describing as "fragile" does not quite line up.
But then again, he has never been privileged enough to experience this sort of bond. Maybe there's something to it that leads them to believe their connection is unshakeable, that one another's presence makes each individual stronger, even if the absence of one could perhaps lead to irreparable damage.
Or perhaps the growing irritation in the pit of his stomach is envy, in light of his recent dreams.
When he finally speaks, his tone is dubious, controlled. But at least he relents, forcibly cooling his own anger. ]
I don't believe you, but I trust you. I will hold you to that, and I will make sure that we--all of us hold one another accountable.
[ There he goes, shouldering responsibility for everyone else, all over again. He doesn't even realize he's doing this. ]
I care for you a great deal, Ori. I think of you as one of my own, and I would hate to see you break.
He's watched, over and over and over again, relationships be ripped apart by forces greater than mortally comprehensible. He's watched otherwise strong and reliable individuals shatter to pieces when they receive word that a partner or child or parent or sibling perished in battle. He's had people lash out at him, yell at him, spew horrible curses at him when civilian family members receive word about a Pact member's death. He's had to bear the torrent of pointed blame in wake of Scarlet's attack on Lion's Arch, even though, logically, it was not the Pact's fault or responsibility.
So as far as he's concerned, it is fragile. People are fragile, and he considers himself no exception. Even if, it seems by her word choice, that what exactly they're describing as "fragile" does not quite line up.
But then again, he has never been privileged enough to experience this sort of bond. Maybe there's something to it that leads them to believe their connection is unshakeable, that one another's presence makes each individual stronger, even if the absence of one could perhaps lead to irreparable damage.
Or perhaps the growing irritation in the pit of his stomach is envy, in light of his recent dreams.
When he finally speaks, his tone is dubious, controlled. But at least he relents, forcibly cooling his own anger. ]
I don't believe you, but I trust you. I will hold you to that, and I will make sure that we--all of us hold one another accountable.
[ There he goes, shouldering responsibility for everyone else, all over again. He doesn't even realize he's doing this. ]
I care for you a great deal, Ori. I think of you as one of my own, and I would hate to see you break.
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