pactmarshal | songerein inbox

[ Opening oneself really is a learning process, and it's turning out to be more difficult than Trahearne thinks. A couple of seasons worth of trials forcing him to reassess his mindset still has nothing on twenty-six years of internalized behaviors.

But he is trying.

He nods in affirmation to Ori's first statement. If anything, they can keep one another accountable in these sorts of situations. Which is why they're having this conversation.

...That still doesn't keep Trahearne from suddenly clenching his fists in rage, though. He tenses, jaw set, as he thinks back to the moment he thinks she's talking about. ]

I will always jump in to save you, Ori. And I will never think twice about it.

[ He frowns. What was he supposed to do, sit there and watch Eustace attack her like that? ]

I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself had I not.

I would have never forgiven Eustace.

...

[ She doesn’t have to be looking at Trahearne to pick up on his frustration, his anger. These sorts of feelings are always going to be uncomfortable to sit with, whether they’re her own or someone else’s. But it’s no small blessing, in her book, that Trahearne ultimately tells her what he’s frustrated and angry about.

It’s a step in the right direction. Even if she doesn’t necessarily like what she hears. ]

I understand… But you know, I—

Eustace showed us. I don’t know if you saw it too. What led up to all of this… He’s lost Tifa so many times. When I think about how much pain he must have been in, I can’t help… I can’t help but feel like I understand. If that happened to me, if I lost Diluc like that, I… It would break me.

[ And when she thinks about that, she realizes… She can't bring herself to blame him for what happened. ]

That's quite the admission to make right after all that talk about worry.

[ Trahearne snaps at her--his response comes surprisingly quickly.

He does understand, logically. He is the one, after all, who sent an entire army to their deaths because he was furious with Mordremoth for injuring the Pale Tree.

But even though it was an emotional decision, it was still his decision. It wasn't a good one, but it was his. His mind was his own. He did not consciously harm or injure any of his soldiers with his own hands along the way.

Not even under Mordremoth's control did he ever give in and harm another. Not once.

So does he understand, emotionally? Not at all. And the prospect of Ori turning and harming their friends again makes him furious. ]

You will let me worry about you, and you will let me worry about Diluc, too. It's clear to me that these sort of relationships are much too-- [ He makes an abrupt gesture with his hands. ] --fragile for a volatile realm such as this. And I would never forgive you if you were to harm any of our friends because of it.

[ He isn't sure what kind of point he's trying to make--he's too angry to think straight. He's tired, frustrated, and homebound. He's normally more empathetic, kinder, but he hates what he's hearing. ]

[ She knows that what she’s said doesn’t sound great. And yet she doesn’t regret saying it, either - if they are all to prevent this from happening in the future, they need to know where they’re all at. And that includes having such thoughts. She bears his anger and his worry with that, because he’s right - how could she not, after everything she’s just said about worry?

In the end, though, it’s not his insistence that he would never forgive her if she hurt their friends that gets at her, because she understands. She’s having a hard enough time reconciling the fact that she completely understands why Eustace turned noctaere with the fact that he hurt her and worse - hurt Trahearne and all of their friends. Even the dogs.

It’s his statement that their relationships are fragile that has her bowing her head in anguish.

Because he’s right about that, too. Each day, she lives with the fear that she’ll wake up and find Diluc gone, just as they had with Thoma. Dreams are fleeting and unpredictable and at times, nonsensical. At any given moment, they could wake up. And then they would be worlds apart and none the wiser, left only with a faint feeling that she’d had a most wonderful dream that she’ll never be able to know. She knows this because it’s already happened to her once.

What she has with Diluc is fragile, in a sense.

But not for the reasons that Trahearne may be thinking. She draws in a deep breath as his words hang in the air, filling it with certain tension. On the heels of what she and Diluc expressed to one another that night… She can’t accept anyone thinking that their relationship is fragile.

It may be fleeting, by the nature of this realm. But it is not so easily broken. ]

I understand that… And I don’t want you to think that I’m excusing Eustace’s actions just because I understand where he’s coming from. I hate to see people hurt. It’s my job to make sure that they aren’t.

But, please, don’t call it fragile… Maybe you think it’s foolish because of what happened, but… We don’t intend to ever let it get to that point. That’s why I’m telling you that all of us need to talk about these things.

[ Her lips press into a thin line, and when they part once more as she continues to speak, her voice is resolute, but shaking with emotion. ]

Diluc and I made a promise not to hide from one another and that whatever we may face, we’ll face it together. We’re not going to let each other drown. So please… Don’t call it fragile…

[ He turns his gaze up to her, amber eyes boring into her in an intense stare.

He's watched, over and over and over again, relationships be ripped apart by forces greater than mortally comprehensible. He's watched otherwise strong and reliable individuals shatter to pieces when they receive word that a partner or child or parent or sibling perished in battle. He's had people lash out at him, yell at him, spew horrible curses at him when civilian family members receive word about a Pact member's death. He's had to bear the torrent of pointed blame in wake of Scarlet's attack on Lion's Arch, even though, logically, it was not the Pact's fault or responsibility.

So as far as he's concerned, it is fragile. People are fragile, and he considers himself no exception. Even if, it seems by her word choice, that what exactly they're describing as "fragile" does not quite line up.

But then again, he has never been privileged enough to experience this sort of bond. Maybe there's something to it that leads them to believe their connection is unshakeable, that one another's presence makes each individual stronger, even if the absence of one could perhaps lead to irreparable damage.

Or perhaps the growing irritation in the pit of his stomach is envy, in light of his recent dreams.

When he finally speaks, his tone is dubious, controlled. But at least he relents, forcibly cooling his own anger. ]

I don't believe you, but I trust you. I will hold you to that, and I will make sure that we--all of us hold one another accountable.

[ There he goes, shouldering responsibility for everyone else, all over again. He doesn't even realize he's doing this. ]

I care for you a great deal, Ori. I think of you as one of my own, and I would hate to see you break.

[ Oriphi has, and likely always be, an incredibly sentimental person. It’s why she was ill-fitted to be a mercenary with her sister. Why Colin ultimately chose to leave her with the group, rather than take her with him. Because she cares too much, and she would sooner drive herself into the ground bearing the weight of everyone’s emotions than see any of them break and lose themselves the way that Eustace did.

So she nods, at what Trahearne says. She bears the brunt of his irritation, his doubt, and whatever else he feels in the moment rather than continue to defend herself and her relationship with Diluc. In the end, she simply nods. ]

Like I said, I’ll be watching over you, too. The sentiment goes both ways, so… All I ask is that you have a little more faith in Diluc and I.

[ Despite her best efforts, she heaves a sigh. ]

After all, we’ve already lost someone dear to us…

[ Despite it all, Trahearne does care. A lot. As marshal, he had the option of never dealing with any of the grieving family himself; he could have easily delegated the task to his subordinates and they would have been honored to do so. But he didn't. He was always there, mindful of other races' rituals in death, careful that those who were receptive to his condolences got the care they needed. He didn't have to personally travel all the way to Hoelbrak to see that a minor Vigil officer was given the proper send-off in her homelands, but he did. In his role, he was painfully aware of the weight of all of his decisions had, and the lives they would cost, which made him feel all the more obligated.

In a way, he's been treating his friends in much the same way. Perhaps he and Ori are willing to do the very same--shoulder the burdens of the rest--but it comes from different places. And perhaps, in her eyes, it comes across harshly.

His roiling thoughts are quieted as she speaks, and the guilt is only hammered home when she says her final statement. ]

I know.

[ He says this quietly. All things considered, he is proud of her--and by extension, Diluc--for taking their loss in stride. He hadn't even noticed something was wrong. Should he have noticed? Should he have done more for them? He realizes now, that if either of them had turned as well, he would most certainly blaming himself for it.

And under normal circumstances, he would be sympathetic, willing to offer her a comforting ear, or even a hug. But this isn't a normal circumstance. For some reason, it only sparks irritation in him.

Why? What is he even angry about? Is he frustrated? Or just tired? As he sits with his thoughts for a moment, a sick, nauseating feeling settles in his stomach. It's not any of these. It's the ugliest sides to his personality--jealousy. Envy. Selfishness.

At least he has enough wits about him to realize he may snap at her again if this conversation continues. So he reaches out to carefully close the box of cookies, cradles it, and slowly stands. With unsteady steps he makes his way to the opposite side of the room, placing it back on its spot on the counter.

His back to her, he plants his elbows onto the surface and rubs his face in his hands. ]

I'm sorry, Ori. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[ She knows he does - and she would never think that he doesn’t. But she’s well-aware that people have different ways of showing that care, and this instance is no different. All she had really wanted to express was that she cares for Trahearne, too, and that she wants to do more to ensure that nobody falls prey to their own nightmares in the future, but in the heat of the moment, she’s gotten caught up in her own nightmarish thoughts. So, at what he says, she easily relents. ]

I’m sorry, too…

[ Especially since it’s become increasingly clear to her that this sort of talk is only frustrating and irritating him further, for reasons that she can’t quite place. She understands feeling doubtful and angry that she’s being so insistent about her relationship with Diluc and what it means for their susceptibility to nightmare energy, but the more she listens to him, watches his body language and meets the amber of his eyes with her own, the more it feels like something is… Off. About him.

He hadn’t been acting this way until after she started talking about her relationship, had he…? ]

…Hold on… Now I’m not sure… You don’t want to talk about what happened with Eustace anymore, or… About my relationship with Diluc and Thoma…?

[ A beat, and then she adds: ]

Is… Is something else bothering you?

[ He's a little thankful in this moment that Ori's immediate emotional reaction to things is to sink into herself; unlike him, where he may end up lashing out if he lets his emotions get the better of him.

And she always asks the right questions, doesn't she? It wasn't long ago that he was impressed by that quality, and he is still now. This particular question seems to go right through him, and he tenses a bit.

He really doesn't want to talk about...relationships, in general. Even though a relationship is what caused all this mess to begin with--it's unavoidable. Perhaps had Ori visited a few days earlier, he'd be able to meet her with the calm and composure he likes to maintain, but not today. Not after...days of sleepless nights.

His hands drop from his face and he absently reaches for the jar of cat treats. Out of pure habit, he rattles it a bit to hear how much is left inside, but his gaze is vacant as he stares into nothing. ]

Have you...not been having nightmares? [ His brows raise, eyes eventually focusing as he turns to look at Ori at last. ] Relentless dreams every time you close your eyes?

[ He hears the patter of Seisyll prancing down the stairs, glances at her, then back to Ori. ]

I can't sleep.

Yes, but…

[ Now that she looks at him - really looks at him, she can see how truly exhausted he looks. She’s never quite seen him look this way before, and the concern knits her eyebrows together and draws her lips into another frown.

Surely, she has been having some nightmares. When she closes her eyes, she sees how Eustace gazed down upon her and Trahearne’s incapacitated forms. How, for a moment, she could see Diluc in his place. How he had looked when she and Thoma held him and purged the nightmare energy out of him so many months ago. How, when everyone had left her home that night, she and Diluc found one of her wounds infected with that insidious power.

When she remembers that, she immediately gets back up to her feet, striding over to him with renewed purpose. ]

Dreamotion. Have you healed your wounds with dreamotion? There could be nightmare energy lingering within—

[ As Ori strides over to him, Seisyll follows suit and scampers over to join both of them, mistakenly thinking that Trahearne might be giving the treats to Ori (?). She sits patiently at their feet, but Trahearne's attention isn't on her right now. ]

There isn't. I would know.

[ He's seen how his skin seems to rot and mold with blight when physically in contact with nightmare energy; the wound would be a lot worse than it is now. Absently, his free hand comes to rest on his chest where the wound sits under his clothes, it's tender, but nothing more than a physical injury at this point.

He doesn't need to be injured to be susceptible, though. After marching into Phantom's castle and immersing himself in the sheer amount of nightmare, he'd fallen asleep for weeks, plagued by a voice he sooner hoped to forget. The worry had been at the back of his mind when they'd faced Eustace, but he didn't know things would turn out like this.

Desperation colors his face, and he visibly swallows. ]

They're not all nightmares.

[ She sighs in relief, but that doesn’t mean she won’t try to toss him a dreamotion-infused Healing Word or two before she leaves his residence later… Just in case.

With Seisyll seemingly wanting attention and Trahearne’s attention being clearly directed inwardly at the moment, Ori bends down to try and scoop the cat up into her arms. Then, she watches as Trahearne seems at war with himself, perhaps even more so than while on their previous topic of conversation…?

She blinks at him slowly. ]

No? Then… Good dreams… That are keeping you up at night for some reason?

[ Usually when she has a good dream she doesn’t want to wake up from it… Like the times when she dreamt that Trahearne and others were sitting with her and her adventuring friends around a campfire or fighting alongside them against a Froghemoth. When Diluc showed her what his home in Mondstadt looked like. ]

I don't know if I would call them good, either.

[ Gingerly, he hugs the jar to his chest, scrubbing his hand over his face. He honestly wishes the act could remove the images from his mind, but the brief moment he has his eyes closed only allows flashes of scenes from the dreams enter his mind. Already he can feel the blush on his face.

His hand drops, and there is indeed a gold hue coloring his cheeks. His eyes are trained on his feet, a little too embarrassed to look Ori in the eye.

When he speaks, he's practically whispering. ]

...I keep dreaming of him. Every time I lay my head down to rest, I see his face. Sometimes we have a life together on Tyria, sometimes we are together here in Songerein, and sometimes we are...

[ His eyes dart to the side.

He swallows. ]

...amidst the throes of passion.

Oh, I see...

[ The moment that he mentions his dreams are of his commander, her eyebrows hitch up and her lips draw into a thin line. She's not sure where he's going with this, but at first, it's innocuous, if not bittersweet. She's surely had dreams where she was together with both Thoma and Diluc again. But then he stops in a clearly uncomfortable pause and then— ]

[ she's. She's pretty sure she just heard "throes of passion." She did, didn't she? Trahearne just admitted to her that he's been having intimate dreams of his lost love, right? He's said it so quietly, that it takes her a moment to fully realize what he's said, as if she had to play that second back over in her head to make sure. But now that she is sure, her eyes go wide, and she immediately seems panicked about this conversation, perhaps even moreso than when they had been talking about far more pressing matters— ]

Oh. Oh. Okay.

[ Well. She can't exactly judge him for those, either, but... ]

I... I can see why you haven't been sleeping well. Um.

[ What is she supposed to say????? She thinks back on her friends, particularly the ones who were much more open with talking about matters of intimacy. But this is different. It's not like she can just tell him to act on it, seeing as the commander isn't here? What would Colin say? What would a bard do?? ]

Um... What if... You wrote him a letter? O-Or, a poem? Even if it won't reach him, i-it might be good to just... Get those feelings out...

Edited 2022-09-23 18:02 (UTC)

[ That pause only makes this whole thing even more awkward, and Trahearne immediately regrets saying it out loud. Almost immediately does he pick up on Ori's panic, and that only makes him panic a little bit in turn. He hangs his head and plasters his face in his hand.

He doesn't know what to say either!!! Otherwise he would have said more!!! ]

I--I've tried. I've tried all manner of things to get them out of my system, but no matter how I feel at the end of the day, it all comes back in dreams.

[ This has to be some kind of torture. He'd been so ready to let go not even two weeks ago, and now he was desperately wishing he could just forget about his commander entirely. Which isn't fair to either of them at all (and kind of cruel). ]

I'm sorry, Ori. If only I'd never shown you that dreamscape in Oz, or been so audacious as to recreate him in it, or...admitted to myself what I did. Then I probably wouldn't have hallucinated him in the cave, which I'm certain led to this...

[ This is all his own doing, he thinks. ]

[ Ever in-tune with other’s emotions, the moment that he starts to panic in turn, she realizes that it’s her doing and steels herself, taking in a deep breath and focusing less on the fact that he’s just told her about the intimate nature of his dreams and more on the fact that they are truly, deeply bothering him.

The moment that he begins to speak of regret, the panic dissipates entirely, and in its place settles a will to support her friend completely. She reaches out to take a careful hold of his wrist and leans in to try and catch his gaze. ]

Hey— none of that, now. This is not your doing or your fault.

[ She squeezes his wrist gently with a reassuring grip. ]

I’m really grateful that you showed me so much of your home and your history in that dreamscape. And that I got to meet your commander. I never would have gotten to meet him otherwise. The dreams of this world can be a blessing or a curse, but we can’t go regretting the happy dreams that we have. Otherwise, all we’ll have are nightmares.

[ And they have both seen what happens when there are only nightmares. ]

[ Is it not his fault, though? If it all came from his mind, and it still comes from his mind, then is he not the main culprit in these manifestations? Why couldn't he have simply moved past it all when he awoke here, and moved immediately into his new life?

Trahearne looks down at Ori, his attention immediately centered on her as she comes in to take his wrist. The look on his face is torn, extremely conflicted. He seems tired, defeated--he can only take so much constant blissful ecstasy night after night only to be woken in the wee hours. He needs to rest, especially while he's healing. And his lack of it is making him irritable. ]

I know. [ He says this quietly, gaze dropping to her hand. ] I...do miss him, and sometimes, I think it is nice that I dream of him so often. [ A quiet scoff escapes his throat. ] But I wish he would let me rest.

[ She sees that conflicted expression and hears the pain in his voice, and she offers him a sympathetic look. It would be foolish of her to act as if she hasn’t dreamt of Thoma in the months since his departure; so she understands, in a way. Given how he’d reacted to her bringing up her own experiences in the moments that have since passed, she decides not to say anything. She’s woken up from such dreams with such a feeling of confusion and even more so: a profound sadness for what she no longer has. It’s not the same, and she wouldn’t ever pretend that it could be the same.

But she gets it. ]

I’m sorry, Trahearne. It must be so wonderful and painful all at once…

[ Carefully, she pulls him into a hug. It’s reminiscent of the time he’d woken up from his sleep coma with a frightful nightmare; there are no nightmares this time, but many of the same sentiments remain. Regret. Grief. A longing left hanging forevermore. ]

Have you tried saying goodbye to him? In a dream?

[ Ori coming in for a hug shouldn't be unexpected, but it is. Maybe this sort of situation warrants one, he supposes. As he lifts his arms to return the favor, he realizes he's still holding the jar of treats. After carefully placing it on the counter behind him, he gently places his arms around her shoulders, making sure her head doesn't rest on the wound that yet heals. ]

I...have not. [ She has a fair point. Selfishly, he's always been content to let the dreams run their course, instead of trying to take control and talk to him. Even if he is just a manifestation of his mind.

His gaze drops, and a truth he may have been too scared to accept claws at his throat, stings the back of his eyes. ] I know logically I will never see him again, but perhaps in my heart, I've been holding out hope.

[ He was the first to give him hope against Zhaitan, wasn't he? It seems a fragment of that same hope has etched for itself a place in him that he will never be rid of. ]

Maybe a goodbye is what I need.

[ Ori has hugged many a recovering friend - or at least tried to - so when he returns her embrace, she remains mindful of his lingering injuries.

And again, her heart stings and twists at the familiarity of his pain. With Colin, at least, the longing is put to rest by the fact that her other self - the one that is awake - remains with him, living out their life together. And even Thoma - who she may never see again - is happy and healthy in Teyvat.

But Trahearne has not that luxury… He is forever sundered from his commander by death, so while she knows that feeling of longing… She will never know the finality that must weigh on his hopes and dreams.

Still, though… It’s not so wrong to keep hoping, isn’t it? ]

It doesn’t have to be a farewell… It can be a “see you later.”

[ She takes a deep breath and hesitates before she adds, ]

The night that Thoma disappeared… I dreamt of him. He said… that he looks forward to meeting us again. I don’t know if it was really him, or if I was just dreaming in my grief, but… I want to believe those words, regardless.

And I believe them of you and your commander, too. That you two will meet again, some way. But until then… I think it’s okay to say “until we meet again.”

Edited (gently fixes typo ) 2022-10-06 12:38 (UTC)

[ Trahearne stares into nothing, at a spot on the floor. Will they ever meet again? Could they ever meet in the Mists? Being human, his commander's spirit is destined for a different place upon death than where he presumes his would go--assuming he ever gets there, of course. Is there a chance he would ever summon his formal marshal back to the realm of the living for advice? Just to see him? Would he ever find out that he now lives in a realm of dreams and try to find his way to him?

At length, he sighs, dipping his head. The questions, the uncertainties are too numerous. He's a bit too tall for his head to make contact with hers, and so he focuses his concentration on a little bloom at the crown of her head. ]

All right.

[ His voice is low, as though admitting defeat. Ori is often right about these things, matters of sentimentality and the heart. It's something he's always sidestepped--he never needed to bother with these things in such a visceral manner before, and now his inexperience is catching up with him. ]

I will...try.

[ The desire to hold onto him, desperately hang onto hope and the instinct to rip his memory from his life and his heart entirely tug at each other inside of him. Saying see you later, maybe feels like a cheap compromise he will never be satisfied with, but maybe it's the healthiest option--the option that will serve him best. ]

Thank you, Ori.

[ Regardless, he takes her words to heart. He drops his arms, allowing her to go if she pleases, and he sighs. ]

I apologise for being cross with you earlier.

[ Much must be going through Trahearne’s mind in this moment, and she stays silent and still, affording him as long or as short of one as he needs to think about everything. The resignation that she hears in his voice breaks her heart, makes pain lance through her chest in empathy. She'll never know what it's like, but she knows loss and the insurmountable distance between this realm and a lost love.

Perhaps it's a coward's goodbye, to say until we meet again. But in light of everything that's happened as of late... She thinks that Trahearne deserves to have even a little bit of hope. It's not fair, otherwise. Just like it's not fair that her dear friend has only the finality of death awaiting him outside of this dream realm. So damn it, he of all people should be allowed to have hope. ]

You're welcome. And it's... It's alright. I understand now why you were so upset. I don't hold it against you.

[ Of course she wouldn't--Trahearne doubted she would, considering the sort of person she is. It doesn't make him feel any less bad about it, though. He looks down at her apologetically, hoping she doesn't take this as discouragement from ever talking about her significant other(s) in the future. He still likes hearing what she's been through, and what she has to say. ]

I'll try not to let it get to me anymore. [ He wouldn't want to snap at anyone else.

A thought occurs to him, and he twists around to grab the box of cookies that went untouched earlier. The tension in the air between them has soothed, no small part in thanks to Ori's empathy; as usual, Trahearne wonders if he could have handled that better.

As he extends the box to her, he opens his mouth to voice his offering, when a certain third party notices the gesture. Seisyll is rather upset that she came down here for treats and is not receiving any--she meows loudly before Trahearne can say anything.

The sylvari peers down at his cat for a moment, before his expression finally eases with a chuckle. ]

Ah. It's because I grabbed the treats earlier, isn't it?

[ He twists around the other direction to take the jar, and hands that to Ori instead. ]

Go on. I think she's taking a liking to you already.

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